This Is My Story: I am 1 in 4

This Is My Story: I Am 1 in 4

It was September 25th, 2014. King Dad and I were just back from our first child-free vacation ever. We’d gone to New York for the very first time, and then to Toronto to see my best friend get married. It was an amazing vacation. Of course we missed The Heir, but it was just so great to have that time to experience something new just the two of us together. We brought a couple souvenirs home for The Heir: two books from The Strand bookstore in New York (one of which was about a lion that shares his name). It turned out, we’d brought something else back from that vacation too. That something else showed up as two little pink lines on a pregnancy test that I took the morning of September 25th. King Dad had already gone to work for the day, so I decided to find a fun way to tell him the news when he got home.

I packed up The Heir and we went to a bookstore. You see, King Dad was in charge of The Heir’s bed time routine. He had been since the very beginning, really. One of their evening rituals was story time. At that time The Heir had King Dad reading him up to five books each night. So that Thursday, I headed off to the bookstore and bought a book called “I’m A Big Brother”. I set it out on The Heir’s dresser on top of the stack of books that I knew King Dad would be reading that night. I spent the rest of the day eagerly anticipating King Dad’s return. I took another pregnancy test, because why not? Two lines. Yup. This was happening. We made it through dinner, The Heir’s bath, and finally it was story time. When King Dad came out of The Heir’s room after tucking him in, I asked him if he’d seen the new book. He had. He was thrilled!

The next morning I took another test, of course. Two lines, this time a little darker than the day before. I called my doctor to schedule an appointment to confirm the pregnancy. She couldn’t see me that morning, so I scheduled an appointment for 10 days later since we were going to be out of town again. That afternoon we were heading to Vancouver to surprise my mom for her birthday. My dad had been planning a surprise birthday dinner for her for a few weeks, and we’d managed to get flights and a hotel booked without her finding out (which if you know my mother, you’d know this was a big deal as it’s impossible to surprise her). King Dad and I decided not to share our news with anyone just yet. It was still so new and so early. Off we went to Vancouver. My mom was surprised, dinner was incredible, and King Dad was a real champ consuming not only his own wine, but all of mine too (and without anyone noticing as far as I know). King Dad stayed for the weekend, but had to be back at work on Monday. I was staying for another full week with The Heir.

We were having a great visit with my family. The Heir was getting time in with his baby cousin, and I was enjoying the days spent with my parents and sister (who was on maternity leave at the time). Everything was completely normal and I felt fine. I did come down with a bit of a cold, but it was no big deal. Fast forward to Wednesday. I had some cramping, and a bit of spotting. The cramping was what I would consider normal cramping in the early weeks of pregnancy, nothing to be alarmed about. The spotting was different. I hadn’t experienced that in my pregnancy with The Heir, but I knew spotting was normal for many women in early pregnancy. I tried to push it to the back of my mind and ignore it. I couldn’t. I decided to head over to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test. It wouldn’t hurt to just confirm that everything was as it should be. I texted King Dad to tell him about the spotting and we agreed that it was probably nothing. I took that pregnancy test in the bathroom at the drugstore. Then I waited. I waited for a second line to show up on the test. Eventually it did, but it was almost impossible to see. It was what I’d call a “squinter”. If you angled the test just so, you could see the faintest test line. I called King Dad to tell him that I thought it was over, that I thought I might be losing the baby. The spotting had all but stopped, so maybe it was just a faulty test? You can’t really use a pregnancy test to determine the viability of a pregnancy, and a line was a line, right?

That night, in the quiet of my parents’ condo after everyone was asleep, I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t know what the morning would bring. Maybe everything would be okay, maybe not. I couldn’t be sure. All I was sure of was that I wanted this baby. We wanted this baby. It had to be okay. When I woke up the next morning, I knew it was over. There was absolutely no denying it. I was miscarrying. I texted King Dad to tell him, and all he wanted was to be there with me. I had to get out of the condo. I needed to go for a walk. So I did. I made it to the end of the block before the overwhelming sadness couldn’t be contained anymore. My tears were impossible to hide. Strangers walking past could see me crying, and I just didn’t care. I decided I needed to tell someone, so I made a phone call to one person. The phone just rang and rang, but there was no answer. I pulled myself together as best I could. I popped into the nearest Starbucks to grab a coffee. I called my doctor’s office to let them know I needed to change my appointment the following Monday from one to confirm a pregnancy to one to confirm a miscarriage.

I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. No one even knew we were trying to conceive. No one even knew I was pregnant. I didn’t see the point in telling my family that not only was I pregnant, but that I wasn’t anymore. The Heir and I were heading back home the next day, so I just needed to make it through the next 30 hours without losing it. That I could handle. I had never felt so alone while being completely surrounded by family. This was easily one of the loneliest times of my life.

The next morning we all headed out to visit my 95 year old grandfather. He was meeting my niece for the very first time. He was doing really well that day. He was laughing and happy, and was following the conversation really well. It was a great visit. Of course as often happened during visits with my grandfather, the topic of new babies came up. Someone suggested that I was up next. It was my turn to have the next great-grandbaby. I smiled and nodded, meanwhile in that very moment I was miscarrying what should have been the next great-grandbaby. I managed to hold it together until The Heir and I got back to Calgary and King Dad picked us up from the airport. I had wanted nothing more than the comfort of my husband’s arms, my own house, and my own bed.

It wasn’t really over yet. I saw my doctor that Monday, and there was one little problem that needed to be taken care of. I’m Rh negative. You’ll know if you’re Rh negative. If you are, you’ll get a WinRho/Rhogam shot during pregnancy and again after the birth of your child. If you’re Rh positive, you’ll probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Well, since I lost the pregnancy, there was a chance that my Rh negative blood had mixed with the baby’s blood. That’s a problem. Not a problem for me, per se, but a problem for any future pregnancies. Whether the baby I lost even had blood cells yet was debatable. My doctor wasn’t sure whether I’d need to get the shot. She had to consult with the early pregnancy loss clinic to find out if I needed it. All I wanted was for it to be over. I wanted to be able to move on, but I couldn’t. Not yet. First, I had to get some blood work done to confirm that my HCG levels were back to zero. Then I waited for a phone call from my doctor. She called a few hours later and told me that I would need to get the shot as a precaution. That evening I went to the after hours clinic for the shot. I got to go over the entire course of events with the nurse, then again with the doctor. Then the shot. Then it was “finally” over.

This Is My Story: I Am 1 in 4

You know how they say that after every storm there’s a rainbow? They say the same thing about pregnancy and infant loss. A baby born after a loss is a rainbow baby. The happiness after the sadness. The joy after the sorrow. Petit Prince is my rainbow baby. My pregnancy with him was different than my pregnancy with The Heir. I don’t just mean in terms of my cravings or the way I carried him. There was something missing. The day I found out I was pregnant again I just calmly told King Dad. There was no fun surprise, no special plan, no anticipation over his reaction to the news. I just told him and then we waited. I took a pregnancy test almost daily for two weeks. I had repeat blood work done to make sure my HCG levels were doubling the way they should. For the first twenty six weeks of that pregnancy, I was constantly checking for any signs of it going wrong. I was paranoid that the next time I’d go to the bathroom I’d be spotting or bleeding. I didn’t want anyone to touch my growing belly, the only exceptions to that were King Dad and The Heir (although others still did reach out to touch). I needed to be in my own bubble.

Sometimes I wonder how things would be different now if I hadn’t miscarried. I can’t help it, especially this time of year when it’s so close to the anniversary of our loss. With Petit Prince in our lives, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Truly. But every so often the baby that we lost crosses my mind, and I can’t help but wonder who that baby would have been.

This isn’t something I talk about very often. In fact, I could count on one hand the number of people who knew about this before now. This is my story, and it deserves to be told. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. I am one in four, and it’s time to break the silence.




33 Comments on “This Is My Story: I am 1 in 4

  1. I also am 1 in 4 and Spencer is my rainbow baby. I am Rh negative as well, so I know all too well. About the dreaded Rhogam/winRho shot. One difference from our stories is that we had told everyone we were pregnant as it was our first pregnancy – I feel that the healing process went a lot better because I had so many shoulders to lean on! You are so brace to tell your story!

  2. Thank you for sharing such an intimate story. Your brave words will touch many mamas ❤️

  3. I’m also 1 in 4 and my son is the rainbow baby. I spot at 6 week with my son and was terrified to loose him.

  4. I am also 1 in 4. I miscarried my first pregnancy at 10 weeks. My rainbow baby just turned a year old yesterday :). I, too, am Rh negative, and had to go through the Rhogam shots (but luckily I didn’t have to get the second one at birth, because my son has the same blood type as me!).
    When we found out we were miscarrying, we had just announced the news to everyone we knew that we were expecting (it was Mother’s Day weekend), then had to turn around and tell everyone we lost the baby days later. It was heartbreaking, but we had a lot of support since everyone was aware of the miscarriage.

  5. I’m also 1 in 4. I had what they called a “missed miscarriage”. For two months we were thrilled about having our first baby. At our first ultrasound (what should have been 12 or 13 weeks), there was no heartbeat and the doctor informed us that the pregnancy had failed several weeks before. Never in my life have I bawled like I did when we got into our car. Then on November 17–that baby’s due date– we found out we were pregnant again. Our son was born 8 months later.

  6. Thank you for sharing your story! As sad and heartbreaking that it is our stories do need to be shared, the silence and pain of suffering alone must stop! I too am 1 in 4 and lost mine sept 4th 2014! I was 10 weeks alon and we were literally going to be telling our family that weekend…instead we had to call them to tell them what was happening and get them to watch our oldest son as I needed to be accessed for a possible emergency d&c … it was the saddest day of my life and remains to be! But I have learned so many ladies around me have delt with this pain! And now I have my rainbow baby Benny! Who is 10 mths and such a character! I do think about what our other babe would have been like but I couldn’t imagine life without our dear Benny my boys are my everything! I agree that my pregnancy with Ben was way more cautious and I was way more paranoid I wouldn’t allow myself to get caught up in the happy pregnancy feelings…I couldn’t help it!

  7. I don’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to just say nothing. My condolences, and thank you for sharing. *hugs*

  8. i have miscarried as well twice.. im rh – as well but sadly my doctors did nothing for me as for a shot.. infact the first time i miscarried i did it in silence. i was 17 and scared i wanted no one to know. i barely even told the father as we didnt yet know i was pregnant. (im sure a part of me knew i just didnt want to accept it) the second time was when i was 23rd.. i had an iud in and suddenly i was waking up every two hours drenched in blood. after waking up the fourth time that night and havin to shower and change the sheets i was laying on as well as my cloths i woke up my then husband and demanded he take me into the er.. we got there and they refused to look at me, refused to exam me nor do blood work. they told me i had an iud and it was impossible for me to get pregnant that it had to be a heavy flow.. (mind you this was a catholic hospital) so i went home to where i passed my little angel from my womb into the potty (as i didnt know it was happenin when it did.) i was numb and all i could do was scream and cry.. it was my husband who made me leave the bathroom and go to lay down.. again no rhogam as they refused to acknowledge their error..

    my heart breaks for your story though.. i knew of neither of my babies till it was to late.. i cant imagine knowing they were in there for even a short of time.. to get excited for them.. and then to lose them..

    i have like you since had an angel baby.. shes my pride and joy.. she is special needs but i wouldnt trade her for the world.. i also had an angel baby after my first miscarrage as well.. strangly enough he was concieved around the time my angel would have been born..

    its odd how things work out but they always do.. anyway thank you for sharing your story and allowing us to share ours as well.. may god be with you and all of your angels both in heaven and on earth.

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss. I light a candle yesterday for Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness. Unfortunately, I have way too many friends that have experienced this pain and loss. It is definitely time to break the silence.

  10. I am 1 in 4 also. I am also 1 in 533 that got placenta acretta while pregnant.

  11. I’m holding my rainbow baby in my arms right now. I think of the baby I lost often, and wonder what he or she would have been like.

  12. Thank you for speaking up on this topic this month. I too am 1 in 4. I have 2 angel babies and am carrying my third at this very moment hoping all continues to go well. Feeling for all the mommies of angels out there. <3

  13. So well written, pregnancy loss is so taboo and at the same time hurts like the loss of a loved one after birth. Thank you for sharing your story!

  14. Our first 3 pregnancies were lost, I am holding our beautiful rainbow baby and 7 weeks pregnant doing the testing everyday. Friday can’t come soon enough to make sure this little one is in the right spot with a heartbeat ❤

  15. This was a hard read, and I imagine a hard write. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. You put into words what anyone who has had a miscarriage has felt with the “rainbow baby”. I’m so sorry you went through this, but I’m glad I heard your story

  16. Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriage is too often kept a secret and we need to be there for eachother xo

  17. I have a hard time believing it’s only 1 in 4, I really do. When I miscarried last year, there was a span of time where literally every woman I told expressed their sympathy and told me their story, how they had been through it, too.

    We sent him off with a little Viking funeral, in a paper boat we lit on fire and floated down the creek.

  18. Reading this post and the comments made my heart hurt for everyone. I don’t understand the pain and suffering but I hope that each and every one of you finds peace along your journey and may you all have your rainbow babies. I did not realize how “common” it was, 1/4 is so scary. Babies really are miracles. Thank for sharing your story monarch mommy!!

  19. Thank you so much for your transparency and vulnerability in sharing…it is healing to many to hear a similar story!

  20. I also am 1 in 4. I miscarried February of 2011. It was my first pregnancy and we had tried a VERY long time! We were so excited and it was such a difficult loss. I now have three babies here on earth, but I am a mother of 4. One is in heaven waiting for me! 🙂

  21. Thank you for sharing your story. Though I have not experienced a loss I am battling with other fertility issues and may never get my 2nd baby. It’s a different type of struggle but hard just the same

  22. Thank you for sharing your story. I am also 1 in 4. I had an early miscarriage in 2005. I have two healthy boys that are 5 years apart. I miscarried twins in 2014; the first at 6 weeks, the second at 16 weeks. In 2015 I miscarried at 14 weeks. This year I miscarried at almost 13 weeks. It has been difficult…. My husband and I would love another baby .I have seen many Doctors.They all say there is nothing wrong and that I am healthy and young. “Just try again in a month or two. All your test results came back fine, your hormone levels are good.” The one thing that really bothers me is when people say that miscarrying is exactly like a heavy period. No it is not! Even in an early miscarriage the pregnancy symptoms are already apparent and the emotional impact is huge! 3 out of 5 of my losses were in the second trimester. When you lose a baby in the second trimester you are going through labor.In 2015, I was in labor for 5 hours in my bathtub and lost so much blood that I almost needed a blood transfusion. My husband rushed me into the hospital as soon as my contractions allowed.Up to this point, I miscarried at home. I was in labor for 3 hours with my last miscarriage in hospital over a toilet with the vaginal suppository drug.When you lose a baby this far into the pregnancy, your hormones will cause you to feel pregnant with pregnancy symptoms well after the miscarriage and bleeding are over. I wish that I had known more miscarriage information prior to going through them. Nothing could have prevented them, but I would have loved knowledge on the matter at the time or prior.

  23. Thank you for sharing. I am also 1 in 4. I have three angel babies and two rainbow babies.

  24. I also want to thank you for sharing. I was also 1 in 4. Miscarried in a toilet during the first trimester. Passed a large blob that wasn’t recognizable…but nothing can prepare you for that. I didn’t know whether to leave it be and flush or scoop out whatever was in the toilet and do “something” with it. To this day I wonder if I made the right decision.

  25. Thanks for sharing something so special and fragile. All you mama’s who have ebet had to experience looking a baby I am truly sorry and your in my heart. stayx stay strong mamas your making those angels proud!!

  26. Your story is very similar to mine! Except I didn’t know I was pregnant!! I went in to the dr for severe abdominal pain and they gave me a test. They called me later and had me rush to the ER for an US. They found nothing, no sack, no baby, nothing. They say most liked an ovarian cyst ruptured and cause trauma to the area therefore causing me to lose the baby I never knew I had. I was thankful to not know in a way, I didn’t have a chance to be excited. I was devastated because hubby and I had been TTC for months and there was my chance to be a mom, gone in what felt like a second. Then ensue the after math which I felt lasted forever!! Talk about kicking a mama when she’s down. 3 months later I was pregnant again with my son which they continuously told me was a healthy pregnancy but I was so so nervous every second of every day that my body would fail me once again. He is perfect <3 I am one in 4 too and there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what that tiny human being would have grown to be!

  27. It is important for women to know that miscarriage is very common and that we didn’t do anything wrong to cause it. Thank you for sharing.

  28. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. I’m lighting a candle this October ❤️

  29. I lost my first when I was around 25. I was far enough along that the baby was formed and looked like a tiny baby, when I miscarried in the toilet of my ex boyfriend’s parents home. I was probably around 14 weeks. My second miscarriage was about 10 years later. It was October 29th 2010. I had just went to visit a friend who had her first child the day before. The day before that was my husband’s birthday. I had an early ultrasound at 10 weeks and the could not detect a heartbeat. On Nov 5th I had a D&C to remove the fetus. My oldest son is my rainbow baby born November 11TH 2011. I am sorry for your loss as well.

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